Hi!

Well, it's been a month now since you decided that we should "just be friends" and, since I've heard from all of my friends except you, I thought I'd touch base.

Nothing's really new at the job, same old, same old. I ran into your best friend Rob on Sunday. We started talking about you, and I mentioned that cute way you had about always quoting "facts" like you were a professor. He asked for an example and I used the one that you always say about "size doesn't matter". He said that you had that one wrong and I said "prove it". Well I don't really remember much about the conversation after we got to my place. He probably remembers what I said while he was proving it -- repeatedly -- until sunrise Monday.

I know how hard it is for you to meet women especially with all of that "overtime" you were putting in right before we had our "talk". I wanted to help so I took out a personal ad for you in USA Today. It runs for 30 days. It was expensive, but nothing is too much for a friend, right? I could swear that I told them to put it in the Men Seeking Women section but, well mistakes happen. At least I had them publish your cell number and said to call after 7 PM because I know that's when your free minutes kick in. Try to be nice when you get calls. It's not their fault that your ad was misplaced. They're probably nice guys and you can be so homophobic sometimes.

You know, I still care a lot about you and your health. You always said that you wanted to quit smoking pot but you needed a good reason to. Well, I sent a quick note to your Commanding Officer at the National Guard because you always said that the Army takes care of their own. He can probably help you find a reason.

Well, I've got to run and get to the post office before they close. Alternate Lifestyles Magazine is having a "Most Embarrassing Picture" contest and I've got that cute one of you wearing my thongs and bra that night you and Rob got drunk at my Christmas party and were dancing together. If they publish it, I'll split the prize with you.  Oh, and I sent a copy to your mother. She's always complaining that she doesn't have any good pictures of you.

Your friend,

Jill